The truth will set you free?

It's not something I talk about ever. When I do talk about it, it comes out as something that really wasn't that big of a deal, so nonchalant. But the truth is it was and is a big deal. I'm afraid that if I keep hiding it and pushing the memory away, it will form a cancerous tumor in the pit of my stomach.

Obviously this year has been one of the most tumultuous ones yet. I remember this time last year thinking 2008 is going to be MY year, that I was going to do something spectacular, worth while, meaningful. I spent the first half of this year numb, withdrawn from friends and family. I think about that time now and all I feel and see is darkness. It's an unpleasant vision in my mind to see me sitting in a room alone trying to forget, writing things down that didn't make sense, laughing at the wrong part of a sitcom. It was a waste but the truth is I needed that. I needed to see what it would feel like to "hit rock bottom" to let any semblence of myself fade away.

I feel like I'm discovering a whole new person, something that should have happened years ago, I guess. I'm less afraid, fascinated by more things than I can hold in my brain. I'm less healthy, but awake. I don't want people to read this and start questioning me. The truth is I am fine. I am happier than I have been in years and am actually excited and anxious to live my life. This year was the biggest struggle for me but I know if I can survive that I can survive anything.

Music and Films and Films about music and musicians

Watch the movie CONTROL. Watch it, watch it even if you hate Joy Divison. Well no don't watch it if you hate Joy Division because that's just odd. Thats like eating an apple when you don't really like apples or painting you fingernails teal but hating the color teal.

I watched this last night in the warmth of my bed and realized I love movies that relate to music. Most, if not all of my favorite movies have an intense theme involving music, musicians, and the culture. Maybe I will direct music videos, maybe I will write a screenplay involving music (oh wait that's a work in progress) or something along those lines. It's like tying two loves together and what is more perfect than that?

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The curse of the trouble seeker

I can be angry and I can be bitter, but I choose happiness.

And I know I am a better person because of it.