It's not something I talk about ever. When I do talk about it, it comes out as something that really wasn't that big of a deal, so nonchalant. But the truth is it was and is a big deal. I'm afraid that if I keep hiding it and pushing the memory away, it will form a cancerous tumor in the pit of my stomach.
Obviously this year has been one of the most tumultuous ones yet. I remember this time last year thinking 2008 is going to be MY year, that I was going to do something spectacular, worth while, meaningful. I spent the first half of this year numb, withdrawn from friends and family. I think about that time now and all I feel and see is darkness. It's an unpleasant vision in my mind to see me sitting in a room alone trying to forget, writing things down that didn't make sense, laughing at the wrong part of a sitcom. It was a waste but the truth is I needed that. I needed to see what it would feel like to "hit rock bottom" to let any semblence of myself fade away.
I feel like I'm discovering a whole new person, something that should have happened years ago, I guess. I'm less afraid, fascinated by more things than I can hold in my brain. I'm less healthy, but awake. I don't want people to read this and start questioning me. The truth is I am fine. I am happier than I have been in years and am actually excited and anxious to live my life. This year was the biggest struggle for me but I know if I can survive that I can survive anything.
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